course of 4 days

want to curl up,
and disappear.
why am I turning into this?

laying in bed,
want to update, but have nothing to update on.
I want to just fly to NY asap.
but what about a job?

because the wind is high. it blows my mind. because the wind is high. oh
love is all, love is you. because the sky is blue. it makes me cry.
because the sky is blue.

order bathing suit.
buy ticket to NY.
find a job.
plan for oregon.

    I've got nobody to talk to about this.  I can pay off my debt!!!  But I want to go to NY.  What the FUCK. I'll be thrilled to have no debt left.  But, I don't have a day goes by, or wake up from some dream/suffication
of kalvin.  Its insane.  I wake up holding my breath, thinking/hoping I'm in NY, or I roll over expecting to see him sleeping.  And I don't.  Then its like I fall 100 floors.
    I can pay off my debt and still fly myself to NY.  I'd starve, but I  think I'd be 95% happy.  Fix the 5% by being in CA.